Gliding through the memories

Memories are a potential energizer and mood dampeners at the same time. Happy memories paint a vivid picture of what happened wonderfully in the past. When I think about it the happiest moments were the simple conversations and day to day routines that soothes the heart. The casual chitchats at home after dinner, the constant teasing, commenting when a movie is running, the wonderful snacks after school. The list is as endless as the moments themselves playing in a loop inside our head. We happily dive into those memories, relive them and the warmth will cocoon your heart for sometime with happiness.

Where there is light there is darkness. Weird because light synonymous to the color white is the absence of colors according to pigment theory. Whereas Black absorbs all the colors within. Maybe that is why it is so strong and dark. There were many memories which were so sad and brought out strong emotions. All the tears, pain, loss and hurt.The stronger the emotions the deeper they were buried. I don’t relive them often. I just glide through as a ball through ice. Maybe it was the fear that thinking about sad memories will ruin the present, it will portray what I once had and lost. The fear itself stopped revisiting the darker and the bleak past.

Was I right? Was it a correct decision to forget all the things that were not good? It was then I remembered both the times whenever I was happy or sad the memories were of the same life. The same people occupied both. The presence of one person created immense happiness and the absence gave a lot of sorrow. The loss of a life ripped out the heart to shreds which was dripping in tears. Loss followed by sorrow along with pain cloaked the reality with a darker future. It was late when I realized it was the past that brought the present as it is now. The dilemma it presented then does not exists now. Thinking about the loss does not seem fearful now. It is followed by a presence of a nostalgia just before the melancholy hits. A longing that is combined with a smile of how good it was. Reminiscing about the past pouring the strength into the heart to move on. The will to keep them all in memory the good and the sad together after they are the one and the same. One brings an euphoria  and the other brings a wistful smile. They are mine to cherish and will always be gliding through the heart.

Never forgotten, ever revered.

Totsiens!

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Where did it go wrong… A lonely soul’s words

When did everything started to fall apart? When did I realize that I have been holding myself together for a longer time than expected? All that was held are falling to pieces slowly. All the emotions are waiting to be vented out. All the reigned in tears have started falling down. Is this what called as pain? Is this what called as loneliness when no hands wipes your tears, when no shoulders are offered to lean on, when no hugs to reduce the pain that is tearing apart?

If this is what every day is going to be then life is to be enjoyed and lived to its fullest? I still do not realize the exact reasons why I stand all alone here fervently hoping I wish I had some friends wish I had someone to share how I feel, someone to tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to hold me when I cry and tell me to calm myself.

How badly I wish I could at least talk to someone … to be listened to and to actually mean something to some soul who can spend few time to actually listen and care. What a blessing to be able to talk and be cared and listened to once in a while.

Instead of being a secret box for holding a lot of other’s emotional turmoil, secrets, feelings and hopes my heart so hopefully waits for the day when I could actually spill out my heart and talk to somebody who could care. A friend who would be with me, a friend who wouldn’t treat me like a choice or an option, a friend who would care.

My mind doesn’t understand if this is greedy to expect all this. Or is my soul cursed to never have anything that keeps me happy for more than few hours. Somewhere along the way I understood I was just a substitute for many a people who I called friends. It hurt and still hurts.

Maybe there was something wrong with me. I should been like them trying to change their friends according to their needs. I should have been happy with trivial things they say and fake acknowledge them instead of offering opinions. I should have accepted all their choices without any comments. I should have been ignorant to others feelings and cared only for my own. I should have thought from my perspective and should not have cared for others situations. If I had done all these things could have been different. But, who knows?

Sometime in spite of all of these being honest and too caring has been the only mistake. There have been few good friends rarely along the way but there were short lived. Fate has a cruel way of separating them all from me. So that they were only memories and photos and names remembered. What sin did I do in my past life to be the lonely one out there?

Always the odd one out of the crowd. Ridiculed for physical appearance, reading too much, talking too much and being conscious of my actions actually hurt like barbs but I couldn’t just take them along with the stride and ignore them when they actually bruised my pride. Was it my pride that made me defend myself which earned my loneliness or was it my kindness that was taken advantage of and left when it wasn’t of use anymore? I will never know.

But what I know for sure if how I feel. Sometimes I crave for company for friends for people. To talk, to hang around and to care. Sometimes I wish somebody would wait for me and notice if I am not okay. I would wish there were friends who would love my company and who would like me for myself and correct me whenever I am wrong. Wish there were people to say that they care… that I need not look for solace in books always, that I need not be alone on my birthdays, that I need not be by myself always, that I can talk to them whenever I want to, that I would actually be listened, that I would have parties and share gifts, that I would get surprises and surprise others and enjoy, that I could go anywhere I wanted with friends and be at peace for once in life. That I need not always be the one holding it all in and feel all the pain myself. That there would be someone who shall share them with me.

Futile dreams. That is what they are. Just dreams that haunt me like a nightmare and creeps whenever I am alone. Sometimes I don’t know what kills me more. My loneliness or my pain. I cannot fathom how deep I have buried a lot of emotions that I cannot even feel them. I cannot find anyway to bury them anymore and continue as if everything were fine.

It is getting difficult to put on the smiling mask every day and go on normally. It is difficult to be quiet without having anybody to talk to and hanging around alone like a castaway. It is hurting when I cannot share neither my happiness nor sadness and they just go away. It is immensely hard at times to be normal when the mind spirals itself into depression and doesn’t wants to come out of it. Vanishing are the days when I valued my own company and tried to solace in it. Gone are the days books were enough to keep the emotions in check and divert from the inevitable. That I am alone and I don’t want to be. Somewhere somethings went wrong and I don’t know where it is heading towards.

Dissolving Shadows

Shadows, creepily follows us everywhere. It never changes as the person does. It never leaves us as others do. Sometimes they are like memories always with us. But totally diverse. Memories tears apart till the last fiber of the being weeps with sorrow. But Shadows never shows anything outside. It just reflects what everyone sees.

But they too leave us when darkness engulfs everything. Slowly covering everywhere darkness around and despair inside. The once close shadows dissolves like a stranger into that darkness pushing some more into the void of loneliness.

Life like everything is as cruel as it is true. Layers and layers of shadows of every person peels away to reveal the raw stabbing truth of reality. As times go they add another layer and reach another person. Sheds past like dead skin while making the post ones shed tears instead.

Dissolve like shadows leaving behind pain or be true to your heart like a flicker in darkness even if it hurts, because there should always be hope for something.

Hope. Cry and smile and fall and rise, with hope.

 

Totsiens

 

 

To Wait for the unknown

Waiting has become a quintessential part of our torrid life.

Waiting for a person to understand us, waiting for someone to rescue us from the difficulties, waiting for the unknown to clear the unanswered doubts of life.

Maybe the better things destined for us have to wait so as to reach us and finally be with us for a long time.

Everything is the same though the reason for the wait only changes.

Since hope only keeps us eager during the wait and makes the waiting time worth it.

So wait for the unknown, 

If you know what will happen next then there is no enthusiasm it .

If you know who you will meet next there is no element of surprise in it.

If you know where life has planned to take you there is no excitement in life.

Let’s wait with hope for the great and the best for everything !

Totsiens!

 

Just a thought

Impulse driven actions like starting a blog, writing the first blog and then the mind conveniently forgets that all these happened!

So here I am back obediently to start writing here regularly (at least not once in a blue moon). After all that is why blogs are there

Just a thought…

Everything is just a thought. What if it were mine and how great it would have been.

Just a thought on how if he could have been mine, harmless enough but slowly the single thought start forming a web of thoughts, imaginary situations, impossible conversations and slowly begins to form a fantasy land within the poor little mind which already juggles many things.

It all starts with just a thought. 

Why should I not do it?

Why should I follow these and restrict myself?

Be it anything. Mind is a cunning trickster and can make us decide on an impulse and act upon it. 

So put a rein on it and let the thoughts dissolve as thoughts in the swirling mass of human mind full of memories and live in the present.

What is supposed to happen will happen.

If not now then somehow somewhere it will.

Think, Think well and act on it.

Don’t let the thoughts alone to rule you.  Rule your thoughts and bring it to life if possible.

Thoughts

Totsiens!

I am here

I am here to rave about what I feel or want to express to everyone who got spare time to listen to it, when I am not engrossed with a book myself.

Sometimes poetic sometimes thoughts this is going to be a collections of everything.

Hope you enjoy them as much as I do every time I get something new