When did everything started to fall apart? When did I realize that I have been holding myself together for a longer time than expected? All that was held are falling to pieces slowly. All the emotions are waiting to be vented out. All the reigned in tears have started falling down. Is this what called as pain? Is this what called as loneliness when no hands wipes your tears, when no shoulders are offered to lean on, when no hugs to reduce the pain that is tearing apart?
If this is what every day is going to be then life is to be enjoyed and lived to its fullest? I still do not realize the exact reasons why I stand all alone here fervently hoping I wish I had some friends wish I had someone to share how I feel, someone to tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to hold me when I cry and tell me to calm myself.
How badly I wish I could at least talk to someone … to be listened to and to actually mean something to some soul who can spend few time to actually listen and care. What a blessing to be able to talk and be cared and listened to once in a while.
Instead of being a secret box for holding a lot of other’s emotional turmoil, secrets, feelings and hopes my heart so hopefully waits for the day when I could actually spill out my heart and talk to somebody who could care. A friend who would be with me, a friend who wouldn’t treat me like a choice or an option, a friend who would care.
My mind doesn’t understand if this is greedy to expect all this. Or is my soul cursed to never have anything that keeps me happy for more than few hours. Somewhere along the way I understood I was just a substitute for many a people who I called friends. It hurt and still hurts.
Maybe there was something wrong with me. I should been like them trying to change their friends according to their needs. I should have been happy with trivial things they say and fake acknowledge them instead of offering opinions. I should have accepted all their choices without any comments. I should have been ignorant to others feelings and cared only for my own. I should have thought from my perspective and should not have cared for others situations. If I had done all these things could have been different. But, who knows?
Sometime in spite of all of these being honest and too caring has been the only mistake. There have been few good friends rarely along the way but there were short lived. Fate has a cruel way of separating them all from me. So that they were only memories and photos and names remembered. What sin did I do in my past life to be the lonely one out there?
Always the odd one out of the crowd. Ridiculed for physical appearance, reading too much, talking too much and being conscious of my actions actually hurt like barbs but I couldn’t just take them along with the stride and ignore them when they actually bruised my pride. Was it my pride that made me defend myself which earned my loneliness or was it my kindness that was taken advantage of and left when it wasn’t of use anymore? I will never know.
But what I know for sure if how I feel. Sometimes I crave for company for friends for people. To talk, to hang around and to care. Sometimes I wish somebody would wait for me and notice if I am not okay. I would wish there were friends who would love my company and who would like me for myself and correct me whenever I am wrong. Wish there were people to say that they care… that I need not look for solace in books always, that I need not be alone on my birthdays, that I need not be by myself always, that I can talk to them whenever I want to, that I would actually be listened, that I would have parties and share gifts, that I would get surprises and surprise others and enjoy, that I could go anywhere I wanted with friends and be at peace for once in life. That I need not always be the one holding it all in and feel all the pain myself. That there would be someone who shall share them with me.
Futile dreams. That is what they are. Just dreams that haunt me like a nightmare and creeps whenever I am alone. Sometimes I don’t know what kills me more. My loneliness or my pain. I cannot fathom how deep I have buried a lot of emotions that I cannot even feel them. I cannot find anyway to bury them anymore and continue as if everything were fine.
It is getting difficult to put on the smiling mask every day and go on normally. It is difficult to be quiet without having anybody to talk to and hanging around alone like a castaway. It is hurting when I cannot share neither my happiness nor sadness and they just go away. It is immensely hard at times to be normal when the mind spirals itself into depression and doesn’t wants to come out of it. Vanishing are the days when I valued my own company and tried to solace in it. Gone are the days books were enough to keep the emotions in check and divert from the inevitable. That I am alone and I don’t want to be. Somewhere somethings went wrong and I don’t know where it is heading towards.